And Now I'm Gone
by ShowTime
Summary: Eli relives that fateful night - the one that sent his life shattering into a million broken pieces. Will Clare forgive him, or be the reason for his ultimate heartbreak?


**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi or any of its characters. This is for entertainment purposes only. Also, this story has been revised as of 1/7/2012, but keep in mind this was written at an earlier point in 2010.**

**Author's Notes: This is to get you guys ready for the Degrassi episode coming up. Please, tell me if you enjoyed this or not. I really want to hear from each and every one of you reading this.**

**Also, if you would humble me in doing so, play Rise Against- Everchanging- Acoustic (uploaded by panthersfan226 on youtube) when I bold the word: E-Eli,**

**Thank you, and enjoy.**

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I flinched as the acidic statement slowly began to sink in. _'I can't be with you,'_ she had said. In retrospect, everything seems so petty now. Fitz deserved it; don't get me wrong, but at the price of Clare? I wasn't prepared to give her up yet.

It scares me to admit this, even to myself, but when I had first met Clare, I got that feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was like meeting Julia all over again. Doing that Romeo and Juliet scene with her? At first I had jumped at the opportunity to kiss her; that was all I focused on. That is, until the _death scene_ came up. I had completely blanked on that, I was so focused on the kiss. She died next to me. Not literally, of course not. But look what happened when I got close to Julia! I ended up pushing her away in a huge fight and she died.

I never told anyone this before, but, Julia was supposed to spend the night that night. I had to look her grief-stricken parents in the eyes, at fifteen years old, and tell them I was the reason why they were never going to see their daughter ever again. Julia is still one of the first things I think about when I wake up, and one of the last things I think about before I go to sleep. I miss her. She used to be the only one, until Clare came along.

Clare… I fell for her, hard, and I couldn't stop myself even if I tried – and yes, I tried a few unsuccessful times. But how could I not fall for her? Her skin is beautiful, creamy and soft. When we touch, it feels like my breath is being sucked out of my lungs. She's not afraid to be her own woman, not afraid to rock the boat, which I love. And her eyes? Breath-taking does not even begin to do them justice. I could spend the rest of my life scouring the planet, learning all the languages in the known world and still not come up with enough adjectives that would fit the beauty and perfection of her blue eyes.

The way Mr. Simpson had said "I trusted you. All of you," I knew that that hurt Clare the most. Looking to my left, my suspicions were immediately confirmed as she bit her lower lip to keep the tears from falling down her beautiful face. I felt a huge hole in the pit of my stomach as I watched her suffer. It was as if Fitz's knife had actually landed and twisted itself upon entry into my stomach. Not only did I play a huge role in tonight's events, but I was also the one that lied to Simpson to cover for Clare – something that she now is just as guilty for, thanks to me.

I offered my hand out to her as we walked our way to my hearse, but she just shied away and kept her hands to herself. Not that I blame her. Who'd want to be involved with a screw up like me, anyways? That being said, there's no way I could give up on her.

"Clare," I began after we got inside Morty, unsure of what exactly I could say to make everything all better. Would anything ever be better than what it was before? "I'm sorry."

"For what?" she mumbled, turning her head to stare out the passenger window.

"For putting you in danger. For putting our relationship…" I trailed off, feeling a lump begin to form in the back of my throat. "For being a complete idiot. I shouldn't have let my past experiences influence how I interacted with Fitz."

"Interacted?" she spun around, her blue eyes glowing with anger as she pinned her gaze straight into mine. "Is that what you call it? He was willing to drop the whole thing, and you kept egging and egging him on. You could have died, Eli! Do you know what that's like? To feel so helpless and… scared and… pathetic." She looked down as she brushed a stray tear away from her eye. "I could have lost you… and," she paused, looking back up at me with those baby blue eyes, "there would have been nothing I could have done to stop it."

A short silence began to settle inside the car, and I started to fiddle with the keys as we stayed motionless by the curb. "I do," I said a short time later.

She looked at me, her eyebrows scrunched up in confusion. "Know what it feels like." I finished. And then it hit me. I almost put Clare in the exact situation I had been in with Julia. "Clare, I-" but she cut me off as both her arms wrapped around me, hugging me tighter than I ever thought possible.

I buried my face into hers as I felt my hot tears begin to fall and intermingle with her own fresh ones. "I was so scared," she whimpered into my ear, her body visibly trembling as the adrenaline slowly dissipated from her system. "I thought I was going to lose you forever."

"Shh," I whispered, turning in my seat to better face her. I ran my left hand through her beautiful brownish-red locks in a soothing gesture. "You can't get rid of me that easily, Clare. No one can," I said, attempting to get a smile onto those pretty red lips.

"**E-Eli,**" she sniffled, burying her face further into mine in hopes to prevent the smile that was inevitably forming on her face.

I pulled away and sat up straight, feeling an instant disconnect in my being from the action. I lifted her chin with my hand, and stared into her with a look so serious it made her eyes widen. "Listen to me, Clare. I was wrong for what I did, and it kills me to know I put you through that. Just know that if it ever happened again, I would gladly give my life for you, in a heartbeat. I can't promise you we'll never run into another situation like that, but I can promise you it won't be because I instigated the guy."

I sucked in a deep breath, my hands finding and wrapping around hers. "You're my everything now, you know that? I would be lost without you." I leaned in, placing a soft kiss against her lips.

The fact that she still reciprocated the kiss, even after everything that happened tonight, made me feel a thousand pounds lighter. However, there was still one thing I had left to say; and, as I pulled away from the most gorgeous lips I have ever kissed in my life, I looked into her big blue eyes and said, "I love you."

A dry chuckle escaped my lips. But none of that actually happened. Reality is rather cruel, I've found out over my short lifespan. Happy little endings don't happen for guys like me. Have you ever been a part of something, something that you thought would never end? Even if the world exploded into a trillion pieces, the thing that you're apart of still would go on and on? And yet, that same thing, the one you thought would never end, did. It shatters you to the very _atom_ of your existence.

I looked down at the jagged piece of shattered glass that sat in the palm of my hand, staring at my messy black hair, staring at the broken teen with shattered dreams and tear-stained cheeks. _Since when did my eyes look so hollow?_ I pondered as I steeled myself, my hand gripping the piece so hard it split open the skin on my hand, drawing blood, but not enough for what I had planned.

I leaned back in the tub full of warm water and exhaled a shaky breath, and hesitating for only the shortest moments, I cut into the skin at the base of my palm, biting back a scream as the excruciating pain caused me to stop for a second. Biting the inside of my cheek hard enough to taste that familiar metallic-copper taste, I steeled myself to finish the job, the flesh easily splitting apart as I dragged the shard of glass down my arm, severing the tendons, muscles, and nerves.

My green eyes blinked slowly while I stared at my arm for a minute; the piece of glass I had held previously had dropped from my hand the moment I had finished the job. There was no going back, but… I didn't want to. When Clare had walked away from me that night, after Simpson had told us he no longer trusted us – no longer trusted her, I knew I had more than screwed up my second chance at life and happiness. I had ruined hers, giving her the most traumatic experience of her young life. And she didn't deserve that. She would understand why I'm doing this. I wrote the note only for her to read.

I don't know if was from the adrenaline or the shock, perhaps both, but the pain seemed to dull as the crimson blood continued spurting out. Without the nerves sending the pain signals, and the energetic rush I felt, I could barely feel the pain. But wow, was there a lot of blood.

I settled back further into the warm water, which really did nothing to stop the chill that raced through my body. From the videos I've watched on the subject, I knew that, eventually, it'd become harder to breathe. But I wouldn't be gasping for air, no; I'd just feel drowsier. And as the lack of oxygen finally reaches my brain, I'll be surrounded by darkness and I'll just... go. I like that... it's simple.

But... how can I make you understand? Without Clare, there is just no reason to live. There's nothing simple when it comes to Clare and I. No clear cut answers, we're not black and white. I know it'll be a repeat of the same thing I went through with Julia, except I'll still see her face day in and day out, constantly reminding me of all the mistakes I made.

Do you know how painful that is? Clare brought me back from the brink. I won't lie, I've had these thoughts before, but I really never thought I'd act on them. I just… I can't go back to living my life like nothing ever happened. It hurts so much… like a big, giant black hole right in the center of my very being, sucking every emotion I have right out of my body. It's numbing, this pain I feel inside, and I can't get rid of it. I've tried! I've tried so many times… and I've failed. I'm just so tired. This is the only out I can see working now. I'm sorry, but it's true. I've had my chances to be happy again with Clare, multiple times, and I haven't got it right. Maybe, just maybe, I can do something right with my life; instead of just bring pain, misery, and death to others. I can finally release Clare and my parents from their burden.

Me.

I could tell my breaths were beginning to get labored, I could hear myself wheezing as I began to see spots flash before my vision, and darkness began creeping from my periphery. The nervousness I felt previously seemed to just melt away, and an aura of peace began to take its place. My body felt so numb and tingly, and light. My chest was barely rising by this point, and you know, the only solace I found in my last few moments on Earth, was that my last thought was a good one.

I thought of the most beautiful angel in the world, with heavenly brownish-red hair, full lips that held a sassy smirk, her blue eyes staring right back at me with the most loving gaze in the universe.

I closed my eyes for the last time.

_I love you, Clare._

_And now something has kept me here too long,  
and now I'm gone…_

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**Author's Notes: So, tell me, what'd you think? I spent two hours writing this instead of doing college chemistry so you better have liked it!**

**You guys realized what happened, right? Clare never did go back to Eli to his hearse. She ended it, and those were his last thoughts before he committed his final act.**

**I hope you guys enjoyed it, and no, suicide is not the answer. If you feel that way, please, seek help.**

Edited: So yeah, I felt I wanted to make a couple changes, nothing too major. I've lost someone pretty important to me back about the first semester of the school year in September, so yeah.. this story seems to hit home more than it did 1 1/2 years ago.  



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